The war
between
Styria and Carinthia
A true story,
for it's true that someone once told it
 |
It happened once in a past century. The prices for pumpkin seed oil reached a peak, and the sexy waitresses in white blouses and black minis served the hot chocolate cold. It was only a question of time when the cultural differences would turn into a concoction of desperation and the thrill to kill. The border between the most southern Bundesländer of Austria was about to transfigure into a scenario of ice-cold vengeance,.. a battle field only for heros of unimaginable subtlety and skill.
There where thousands of chaotic battles that ended in slaughter, death, and even minor injuries. There where wins and losses on both sides, especially on the left, but it appeared there wouldn't be an end for any of those pals fighting for their ... well,.. whatever they were fighting for. But astonishingly sudden, the major commander of Styria came up with an idea. He turned to his wise fellows and uttered words like "Guys, I have a plan." He had a plan and therefore continued: "As we all know, the Carinthian families always name their sons Koarl, right?" He was right and people acknowledged: "He's right." He went into further detail and explained: "Now, that we know that every Carinthian son is named Koarl, all we have to do is call their names on the battle field, for we know they'll be Carinthian enough to get up, willing to answer, as their innermost habits begs them to do." He concluded, "Before we try to shoot the enemy, speak out loud their names! So our targets will rapidly raise from the earth where they hide, and they'll appear like puppets in front of our barrels." Differently prepared, the fought at the next battle
S e p p 1 (shouting): Koarl!
K o a r l 1 (stands up and answers): Yes?
Sepp looks up and shoots at Koarl 1. Koarl 1, hit by the bullet, falls down.
S e p p 1 (shouting): Koarl!
K o a r l 2 (stands up and answers): Yes?
Sepp looks up and shoots at Koarl 2. Koarl 2, hit by the bullet, falls down.
S e p p 1 (shouting): Koarl!
K o a r l 3 (stands up and answers): Yes?
Sepp looks up and shoots at Koarl 3. Koarl 3, hit by the bullet, falls down.
[..]
This neck-breaking idea lead to a devastating loss on the Carinthian side. But the major authorities of Carinthia came up with a contra plan for battles to follow. One of them discerned: "Guys, I have a plan." He had a plan and therefore continued: "As we all know, the Styrian tribes always name their sons Sepp, right?" He was right and the crowd approved of his words: "He's right." He developed his argument and expressed: "Now, that we know that every Styrian son is named Sepp, all we need to do is call their names on the battle field, for we know they'll be Styrian enough to get up, willing to answer, as their uttermost habits urges them to do." He ended, "Before we try to shoot the foe, speak out loud their names! So our targets will fast rise from the trenches (and bunkers they conceal), and they'll appear like puppets in front of our barrels." And so it came to the next battle:
S e p p 1 (shouting): Koarl!
K o a r l 1 (stands up and answers): Yes?
Sepp looks up and shoots at Koarl 1. Koarl 1, hit by the bullet, falls down.
K o a r l 2 (shouting): Sepp!
S e p p 1 (answering): Koarl, is it you?
K o a r l 2 (stands up and answers): Yes!
[..]
That's how Styria won the war against Carinthia.
Yours,
Michael Koller
Eggenbergergürtel 38
This war is still in the heads of many old souls who couldn't forget the rape, the torture, and the streets coward in blood. In lie, even the war continued in the heads of too many. I never thought it would turn into a problem for me—since I deemed my verbal heat useful in battle: My divergent tongue is German-English, my honest middle-tongue is Spanish, and my short tongue is French ('though all I can express with this one is Bonjour, Zǔt, and D'accord). My sister even tops it with German-Latin being her divergent. However, it doesn't count due to the fact that our occupations are merely iconic. We represent shields rather than weapons, which by the way can be quite hurtful.
